8.28.2010

Saying it out loud

I should preface this post with the fact that I just went through a very intense 1:40 minute training session at the gym. B, the trainer, is pushing me to see how much I am capable of, before he sets me on a fitness plan. Today was in a word - hellacious. While I have been running for several years now, I have never been that good at it. Part of that reason is that I don't think I have honestly ever pushed myself from "just accomplishing it" to "kick its ass."

I've never been an athlete or trained like one. I've trained to finish - that's it. I don't know what it feels like to the body or mind to move beyond - to improve, to go faster, to train and use the body efficiently and effectively. This is all really really new to me. Hence, part of the problem.

B keeps asking me, "M, what are your goals?" I told him three:
1) Run a 5K in less than 30 minutes
2) Run a 10K in less than 60 minutes
3) Do REAL push ups as part of my workout routine (I've always done girl ones)

His response? "I wish you would pick harder goals. We can get those three knocked off really quickly. So I ask again, what are your goals? Give me some BIG ones."

UGH. I finally said one big one. "I would like to run an Olympic Length Triathlon next summer. I'd like to start kicking ass at sprint tris and push myself to the next level and do Olys."

Here's the problem I'm having. By SAYING the goals, I am now accountable to them. And that scares the living crap out of me. I am terrified of doing what is required to lose nearly 20 pounds (which would get me to ideal weight for tris, according to B), to be able to run an Olympic length tri, to be able to do twenty pushups or more without dying. I am terrified of what I have to do to reach these goals.

This is a whole new arena for my body and my mind. While I have crossed the finish line on two half-marathons, they have been at a ridiculously slow pace and I really felt like I may die after I finished. I really want to succeed at this. I really really do. I just hope I know what I am signing up for.

When today's grueling circuit workout was done, I went to the locker room to rinse my face and change. I sat on the bench to catch my breath and nearly broke into tears. I am terrified, I am proud, I am excited, I am exhausted. It is such a crazy mix of emotions. I managed to not break down in the locker room, but I called Hubs as soon as I got to the car. I said, "I feel like I just want to cry." And I had such a hard time finding the words as to WHY I felt this way. It wasn't until I was on my 20 minute drive home that I started to figure out that the short of it is I don't know if I will be able to pull this off. I am afraid I will fail.

I want to succeed, but I haven't yet convinced myself I have the strength, the courage, the will power or the commitment to carry this out. I am looking for the confidence and the strength to say these goals out loud - to myself, to my family, and to my friends. Because once I say it out loud, I have to do it. I have to do it.

::breathes deeply:: Can I do it? I don't know.

5 comments:

Kristin (Triathlon Dreams) said...

Believe in yourself and all the other things will fall into place. You can if you THINK you can!!! Don't give up...Always strive to do your best!! You can do it and I have faith in you!!! Good luck!! :)

Darrah said...

M, darling, you can do this. We will help you. I look forward to hearing about your journey! You inspire me to push myself. While I may not be doing any Olys soon, I'm encouraged to try things I never thought I could do. :)

Lauren said...

M, I know you can do this. It's not me trying to gas you up as your friend, but it's because I've witnessed you do it before. Like your other achievements from the past year (the two half marathons--which I had the honor to run by your side--and now the sprint tris), things you never thought you would do in your life time, I am beyond confident in your abilities to see this through. YES saying out loud (to someone other than yourself in the mirror--I'm guilty of this) makes it real and holds you accountable. But, you have the power and strength to make it your reality too :-) And you should realize that you've inspired me (and others!) to push way beyond my comfort zone. You're a force of nature lady! You can do it! You will do it! I'm so freakin' proud of you!

kwpang said...

good luck with your goal, at least there's some motivation to achieve it.

rebecca said...

I completely agree with Darrah and Lauren, in regards to both the belief that you can definitely do this if you put your mind to it, and that you have been such an inspiration! I can pretty much guarantee that I would've never started trying to run, let alone plan to attempt this sprint tri thing, if it wasn't for you.