I haven’t posted in a while, for I have been debating what to say. I guess during that time, I should have just said something, then I wouldn’t have so many somethings now. I have chosen to focus on birthdays though, as yesterday was mine.

I started the day in tears. I have no idea why. Okay, I lie. I do know why. I’m struggling with career choices. Although my current job is an absolute dream, it is time for me to move on. Despite the full backing of my employer, I have been unable to secure something new. I need to drop 20 pounds. But I hate the gym. And I love cheese. One of my best friends in moving out of the state sooner than later to start working on a PhD, and in that wake is my best friend who is also dealing with him leaving – for her, it is on a whole different level, as they are dating. I have other friends also just starting to deal with impending moves of significant others, and I have yet another friend who is off to Chicago tomorrow due to her husband’s new academic job. I am learning that academia = moving = sadness. Yuck. On top of all that, Buddy is sick again. His stress/bladder issues are back in full force – I haven’t seen them this bad since 2004. Buddy has started marking the furniture rather than the floor, Allie still continues to hunt Buddy and Scout for fun, and Scout has taken to pooping in very inappropriate places. Add all this up = mini breakdown.

Poor Mike. He must think I’m a nut (he probably wouldn’t be too off base). He wants to wish me happy birthday, but I am crying like a crazy lady. I think I just needed to get it all out. I tried to convince him that none of the stress had to do with him – he, in fact, has been my rock, my confidant and my retreat from all of this. Once that was sufficiently stifled, a trip to the vet concluded with Buddy going back on anti-depressants for about 3 weeks, and Miss Allie will be headed to the vet herself on Friday to see what we can do about her hunting. Lauren and I had a great lunch later in the day, followed by pool time. I attended class, and I headed home to a nice relaxing meal with my sweetie on the comfort of our urine soaked couch.

I just turned 29- 30 is now only 364.5 days away. Yikes. I always said I was excited to turn 30, but now I’m not so sure. I’m almost 30 and there is SO much I still need to do. I have no idea when it will happen or when it will all fit in. When do I actually get to start making a difference in the world? When will I get to stop being in an administrative job? When do I have kids? When do I leave Durham? How will all these things work together? When will Mike finish his dissertation and go on the market? (love you, sweetie!) All the answers must work in tangent with the others. But I have no idea where any of these answers are hiding. All of that prompted yet another set of tears later in the afternoon.

Anyway, the whole point of this is that “birthday” felt very different this year. I received wonderful birthday greetings from friends all over the world, and I received lovely thoughtful and wonderful gifts from friends and family. That was all great. But the higher meaning of “let’s celebrate your birth” turned into the internal question “what will you do in the future from this birthday onward?”

I never understood when I was a kid when my Mom would say, “I don’t want to celebrate my birthday.” And it is a widely known fact that a lot of people don’t like birthdays either. Is this why? If so, I think I may be starting to understand. Can I just pick a “let’s spoil Michelle day” rather than worrying about what I have done and need to do since the day of my birth?

With that being said though, my dear Michael and my sweet Lauren, thank you for making my birthday so wonderful. And really, you did make it “let’s spoil Michelle day”. But then again, you do that every day (how else would you deal with me?? ha). I love you both!


Anonymous said...

You seem to be too caught up in the "what if"s and "shoulda coulda woulda"s. Maybe instead of thinking so much about your future, you should enjoy your present (which is something you actually have control over)! You have so much, obviously blessed with a job you like, friends and family who care enough about you to wish you a happy birthday, etc.! Really, what more could a girl want? You have made your impression on them, who cares what the rest of the world (the world who has not yet met the 'mature' Michelle) thinks?

Relax. Enjoy your 20s, then age like a fine wine! Happy Birthday!

Amy said...

When I think about all that I've done in my short life the one thing I am most proud of is my relationship with Ed. Knowing that I've found that one person who makes me the best possible person I can be and who is the absolutely compliment to me is amazing. It doesn't really matter what job I have or how much money I make because I have him. And you have the same thing with Mike. There is always going to be things that are out of your reach, like the better job or the nicer car or the bigger house, but none of that compares if you aren't in a loving relationship. Having someone to share your life with is the best accomplishment we can hope to achieve.

Anonymous said...

My 20's sucked. My 30's have been awesome. I am so happy and grateful to older and wiser. In a year, I will welcome you into the next decade of life with all good wishes.